Friendship and Cancer

I would recommend Bonnie Draeger's book, When Cancer Strikes a Friend, for anyone looking to make a difference.  It's a great read--yet practical on every level.

Being a friend during cancer is never an easy task, and there are often questions and concerns that strike at the heart of friendship.

For men, especially, the book offers some wonderful options.  Outdoor excursions, movies, books . . . it's all here.  A great read.

As one friend noted:  "Always keep in mind what is most important, and don't try to do too much.  Remember:  Don't think that you have to do more than the friendship allows.  Just be there.  Show that you care."

Indeed . . . and none of us can forget that we may need to have the favor returned some day. 

Statistics That Heal

One of the most staggering statistics related to cancer is this:  that more than 1.5 million people in the U.S. will be diagnosed with the disease this year.  This is sobering . . . but glanced at from another vantage point it can also be inspiring to most women who are diagnosed with breast cancer.

After all:
1. Most women survive their breast cancer.
2. The 1.5 million represents all types of cancer.
3. They are not alone.

The latter reality can loom large for women as they begin the breast cancer journey.  Continue to remind that she is not alone in her fight.  This reassurance can be both uplifting and energizing.  Fighting a battle alone is never easy.  Fighting as a team is quite different.

Another noteworthy is that, overall, more men (nearly 1 out of 2) will be diagnosed with some form of cancer this year, while less women (1 out of 3) will receive the same news.  So, men can strong allies in the breast cancer fight.

Final stat:  men make a difference--always.

Keep this one in mind as you grow in your awareness and your support.  Keep these stats handy, and make sure she knows she is not alone.
 

Walkers

There are many ways that husbands can support their wives through breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.  And one of those ways is by walking in those events and gatherings supportive of breast cancer survivors and fundraising for a cure.  There are many organizations (a long list is available in the back of Husband's Guide to Breast Cancer) that raise funds, provide funds, or conduct research or support.

Chances are there are upcoming walks in your area--and, if your wife is at a stage where she can walk--you might make the journey with her.  Walking together will strengthen your relationship and offer a sense of solidarity.

Or, if you are the kind of personality who works well at gathering a team--try forming a larger group to walk with, or for, your wife.  These many friends and family members will have a huge impact.

Finally, don't forget that--even if you don't do a walk--you can still walk.  Walking is exercise.  Walking is healing.  Walking is hope.

Keep moving.   

The Grand Walk

Soon after my wife had achieved full recovery from her cancer surgery (with no chemo) she decided to celebrate by hiking the Grand Canyon from rim to rim (North to South).  She achieved this goal with the help of a good friend.  And, although, I didn't go along on that journey, I was there in spirit.

A few months later, however, I did take the walk with my wife at several cancer-related events.  There was a cancer "style show", a walk for a cure, and a large walk through the streets of Indianapolis for cancer survivors.  I was glad I participated in these, one and all.

Men can be of great support to their wives not only by participating in these events, but more importantly, by walking the walk every day.

During those first months of full recovery, while a woman is working up to full strength, men can lend their greater strength and effort to a variety of projects.  Some of these could be household needs, while others might be work-related or even family-related.

And, of course, if you do have an opportunity to take that Grand Canyon walk, and if your wife is up to it . . . I'd highly recommend making that journey, too. 

The Pink Ribbon

Sometimes the smallest expressions can mean the most:  a red rose in a vase, a handwritten note left beside the bed, a cup of coffee.  And when it comes to offering support to a woman journeying through breast cancer, all of these gifts can, and more, can speak volumes.

But men can also wear a pink ribbon.  Wearing the ribbon not only represents a sign of solidarity and awareness, but can often be the source of conversation and, in many instances, additional support.  Likewise, wearing the pink ribbon can serve as a reminder . . . men often find themselves thinking about their wives when they wear one.

Amazingly, men also discover that there are many others (in the workplace, in the neighborhood) who have also helped wives through breast cancer.  It's a kind of club . . . not one we would prefer to belong to, but a type of fraternity of understanding, nonetheless.

Don't have a pink ribbon?  You'll have no trouble finding one.  Any cancer organization would be happy to send one to you . . . and your wife likely has one close at hand.

Think pink! 

Valentine's Day

Men, if your wife is currently embracing her breast cancer journey (or even if she's now a breast cancer survivor), don't forget that Valentine's Day can be a very meaningful expression of your love and support.  Surprise her with flowers or candy or a special night out, or if you are the creative sort, write her a letter or a poem.

If you wife is currently in therapy or preparing for a surgery, special gifts for this Valentine's Day could include:

* A throw (to keep her legs warm in the hospital or at home)
* A sweater
* Some favorite magazines (that she doesn't subscribe to)
* New books

Use your imagination . . . but extend your support to let her know that you are with her through the storm.  Those small gifts will pay huge dividends when it comes to keeping her motivated and energized by love.  You will truly be her Valentine.

~Todd Outcalt

On Being a Support Partner

Need to know how you can help you wife through breast cancer?  Here's a quick video with some helpful tips.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPdLXKIIwBI

A Woman's Perspective on Breast Cancer

Speaking at breast cancer support groups, I realize that a woman's perspective is most important.  Sure, as a support partner I can comment on my experience, but I often ask my wife, "What would you tell other women who have received a breast cancer diagnosis?"

Her thoughts?

Regardless of the diagnosis/prognosis, keep hope alive.  This is an important ingredient in recovery.  Hope is where we embrace energy and discover the resiliency of the human spirit.

Don't rush to a conclusion.  Patients may feel a compulsion to make a decision--and to do so quickly--but in most cases, there is time to study, consult, pray, and reflect upon treatment options.

Consult. Consult.  Consult.  Enough said.

Stay positive.  Often, this is a difficult task.  But focus on the outcome, the end you are pursuing.  Surround yourself with positive people.  Eat well.  Rest.  Lay worry aside for a time each day to pursue interests and live for others.  Don't become so self-absorbed that you wallow in your diagnosis.


(Stay tuned for more Women's Perspectives . . . Part 2)

Helping with Finances

For those who enjoy a visual overview of breast cancer finances . . . here's Johnny.  Keep hope alive!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJWPKupzC2Q

Money Matters 2

One of the most difficult aspects of a breast cancer diagnosis, for most people, involves the financial crunch (and sometimes financial fallout) that accompanies surgery, hospital stay, and subsequent treatments.  Breast cancer is stressful as it is, but the impact of finances on the situation can make treatment all the more harrowing.

But don't panic. 

Men, as caregivers, can make a big difference here. And a few suggestions might help.

First, keep in mind that most financial concerns--if they do develop--did not develop overnight.  And consequently, they could take an equal amount of time to resolve.  In essence, the financial cogs move slowly.  And many people complain that they never know where they stand, financially, until a year after treatments are complete.  At any rate, it can be a long time.

Having this time can help you to formulate a plan.  This plan might involve taking on a part-time job (a second job) or looking for ways that additional revenue can be procured.  This time can also afford you conversations with the bank, with your mortgage company, or with your employer.  All of it helps, and most men manage to find a way through the confusion to reach financial health.

Secondly, a great many of the financial stresses that families incur can also be addressed through some form of billing or monthly expenditure.  Often, the initial figures are staggering, but when broken down into monthly payments or over the course of a year, a bill can become manageable.

Be aware that financial stresses are common, too.  In the end, it often helps to remember that you are not alone.  Others have passed this way before you.  And if they have done it, so can you!

Money Matters 1

Breast cancer, of course, can exact a physical and emotional toll on a family, but it can also exact a financial toll as well.  Increasingly, with new forms of therapy, new medications, new procedures, and an array of follow-up visits--a breast cancer diagnosis requires a deep bank account, even for those who are insured.

So let's talk money matters for a bit here.  I hope a few insights might help.

Here, let's talk about creating a financial plan.  Early in the diagnosis, cancer patients and their families should sit down together and first determine the resources available to cover those expenses that insurance will not cover.  Some of these expenses may be of the smaller variety, but others could mount.  And doctors and hospitals--as well as other cancer patients' experiences--can help you in determining what these costs might be.

Next, if you know what some of these expenses are going to be, and feel that you may not have the financial resources to cover these costs, begin by contacting a social worker at the hospital.  A medical social worker can steer you in the right direction, or may have initial suggestions for you.

Begin to work your plan.  This may involve saving a bit more each month, or cutting back on certain expenses (think about those non-essentials such as cable subscriptions, beyond-basic phone plans, and even lunches and dinners out).  Most families will discover that they can save a few hundred dollars a month by just cutting the non-essentials from the financial appetite.

Finally, if you don't have one already--develop a budget that reflects the new reality with the cancer-related expenses.  Be creative in your work here--and don't overlook any downturn in your income that might be related to loss of time at work or time away from the job.  Be realistic.  Don't fall into the trap of believing that by ignoring a financial problem that it will go away.  Face the reality, but face it early so that you can concentrate on using your work and your finances to get well.

By taking some of these early steps, you can avoid deeper financial problems later.

(Visit again for more Money Matters . . . ) 

Young'n

My wife was young when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  But so was I.  And what I learned through this journey as a caregiver was a remarkable mixture of self-discovery and provider.

We can never forget that breast cancer is no respecter of persons.  Young or old . . . cancer doesn't care. 

Younger women, however, may have needs that differ from those needs of older women.  For example, a caregiver may discover that younger women have to balance more demands:  children, home, career. Whereas, with older women, some of these may already be off the plate.

Be aware, also, that younger women may need more reassurance, especially early on.  The fears may be greater, or more pronounced.

There's also the greater possibility that men may feel that they cannot give up enough time at work to deal with the demands at home or in the doctor's office.  Younger families may need to juggle more demands, and this can be difficult.

Finally, don't forget to bring out the friendships.  These friends can be a great source of strength, not only for her . . . but for you.  Keep yourself fit and strong.  You'll need all of that strength when it comes to being there for your wife. 

And don't forget to remind your wife daily that the best is yet to come.  No dour thoughts.  And keep a positive outlook.
~Todd Outcalt

Support Groups

I have spoken to a fair number of cancer support groups through the years, and one thing I've learned:  a support group can be very beneficial, not just for the person who is making the cancer journey, but for the family as well.  Support groups offer far more than information and conversation, too.  They can often be a source of strength and, more importantly, hope.

And here's another plus:  support groups often have featured speakers, such as oncology nurses and surgeons, who can relate some personal stories and walk the group through the basics of surgery and treatment.  These more personal relationships pay large dividends, and as everyone is more relaxed, the time for conversation and questions is most helpful.

Check at your local hospital or clinic and you are very likely to discover that there is a cancer support group meeting in your area.   You won't have to go far to find a group of like-minded and likeable people who are also making some leg of the cancer journey.  You can learn from these other experiences. 

You may even discover new friends who will become best friends . . . friendships that will last far beyond the years of cancer treatment.  That's another plus.

And when it comes to the journey itself, everyone can use all the pluses they can get.

The Art of Listening

Read any books about the differences between men and women (think Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus) and you are likely to discover that the sexes typically communicate in different ways.  Women, for example, are more inclined to process information through verbal exchange. They talk with friends.  They speak more openly about their feelings. 

Men, on the other hand, are problem-solvers.  Men are far more likely to offer solutions when a woman discusses a problem.  Men like to offer ideas.  But women, typically, don't want answers so much as they want a listening and sympathetic ear.

When a woman wants to talk about breast cancer, men can be most helpful by listening.  We don't have to jump to conclusions, try to solve the problem, or make a decision.  We need to listen.

The art of listening can often press us, however.  Listening is much more than simply hearing what is being said.  Listening is also affirming, sitting in silence, or providing good eye contact.  If a woman knows that she is being heard, this is most important.

The art of listening is also the art of empathy.  We may not be able to sit in the same place, but we can affirm that we understand the feelings and that we are supportive of a choice.  If there is indecision and anxiety to process, it is important that we affirm these realities, too.

The art of listening is being there.  Men may not be hard-wired in the same ways as women, but we can be a strong presence.  We can be good listeners. 

Healing for the Holidays

Regardless of when a woman begins her breast cancer treatment, her recovery is bound to intersect with some holiday:  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter, Passover, the Fourth of July.  These days could be a source of additional stress . . . or they could be a source of healing.

The latter is preferred!

Keep the positive energy during these holidays by creating in the following ways:

Party for Your Wife
     Allow friends and family members to play host to the season and keep work to a minimum.  Don't travel long distances.  Allow your wife to relax through the season and concentrate on receiving rather than giving.

Live in the Sun
     As often as possible (and per doctor's instructions or advice) bask in sunlight.  Sun will boost endorphins, vitamin E, and other healing properties, not to mention combating depression.  Even if your wife can't take direct sun, don't go through the holidays behind closed doors with the shades drawn.  Long periods of solitude do not heal.  Bask in the presence of love.

Enjoy Good Food
     Nutrition is important, and eating well is a key component of the healing process.  Check with your doctor, and create a holiday diet that will boost your wife's energy.

Most of all . . . enjoy the holidays and don't let cancer be the center of attention. 

Time Out

A breast cancer diagnosis always creates calendaring challenges. Time becomes one of the primary stress points for couples.  There are decisions to be made, but waiting is not always an option.  And once the cogs begin to turn in the surgery and treatment mill, a day can go by very quickly with seemingly little to show for it.

There are ways, however, that men can help to make time a friend instead of an enemy.

For example, men can help to coordinate the calendar (and the calendaring).  Appointments can be recorded, reminders posted, and childcare can be arranged.  Men can also help in this arena by making sure that she carves out time for herself.

She will also appreciate a man who can save time by making those arduous phone calls to the insurance company, cooking a few dinners, and packing overnight bags.  Likewise, making coffee in the morning or creating special times throughout the day can be very meaningful.

Finally, men can try to use their vacation and sick leave at strategic times. This type of attention will actually create special moments instead of stressful situations.

So . . . make time a friend.  Take time out of the stressful mix.

The Three "R"s

Men who are supporting their wives, sisters, mothers, or girlfriends through the breast cancer journey would do well to remember these three "R"s.  These are the basic building-blocks of support.

Remind
     When a woman first receives a diagnosis for breast cancer, her most immediate question is:  "Will I die?"  A man can't go wrong by reminding a woman that breast cancer is highly treatable and, in most cases, curable.  Breast cancer treatments continue to broaden, and the percentage of breast cancer survivors among women continues to rise.
     No, a breast cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence.  It is a journey that will require strength, resiliency, support, and hope . . . along with treatment.  But men can remember to remind . . . and then rewind, and remind again.  Keep hope high.

Research
     One of the best ways for a man to help through the initial phase of the diagnosis is to assist in research.  Most women will want to read as much as they can about breast cancer or, in these days, search the internet.  But women can also grow weary in this endeavor.  The information can be so great, and come so fast, that a weariness can set in.
     Men can help by assisting in the research, by gleaning the best information, by making phone calls and helping to refine the search.  Many men, in fact, soon believe that they are breast cancer experts.  So don't neglect to help with research.  This work not only helps in the initial phase, but also allows a woman additional rest and reflection. 

Rest
     And speaking of rest . . . a man should make sure he and his wife get plenty of it.  A man can be his wife's best friend by making sure she's getting proper sleep and recuperation.  She will, in fact, need this strength for the recovery phase (following surgery) and/or during the subsequent radiation/chemotherapy (if needed).  Rest is vital.
     Tired women (and men) don't do as well in the recovery phase.  And without proper rest, we suffer emotionally and relationally, too.  Frayed nerves can be just as debilitating as a radiation treatment.
     Rest.  Relax.  Recuperate.  Stay strong in the fray.

~Todd Outcalt

 

Child's Play

When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, our daughter and son were twelve and eight, respectively.  They were old enough to understand cancer and the implications.  They were also old enough to help.

Although our conversations about mom's breast cancer, the surgery and the recovery, were not a daily topic, there were times when the kids asked questions.  They asked emotional questions about their mom's health and well-being, about her pain, and wanted to know the final outcome.  They also asked about ways to help.

In the course of these many conversations, they also expressed the need for stability and assurance.  Although I didn't have all the answers they were seeking, the most important point I could give them was my attention and the assurance that all would be well and they could, with one or two exceptions due to schedule or conflict, press forward in school and their activities. It was also important for me to keep an undercurrent of stability through all of the cancer conversations and surgically-related appointments.

After the surgery, there was some curiosity about their mother's scar and what it would look like--and concerns for her comfort.  Asking, seeing, perhaps even touching were important aspects of their love for mom . . . and as the days went on this curiosity was lessened by the realization that mom was well.  It wasn't long before the surgery faded into the background of our lives again.

Still, I know it is important to have these conversations with children.  Talk, of course, is always slanted for the age . . . but honesty and facts are important regardless.  Conversations demonstrate care--and it is important for children to ask questions, listen for answers, and be offered ways that they can help in the care giving. 

These conversations aren't always that difficult.  Most of them will be, in fact, quite simple.  Kids have remarkable resiliency and adaptive qualities.  They will be important in the healing journey.

Just don't put the children off.  Include them.  Let them be the sources of strength their mother will need.  She will heal all the faster if they are nearby and can demonstrate their care.

Child's play really can heal.

~Todd Outcalt 

Balancing Acts

A breast cancer diagnosis is always accompanied by a series of balancing acts.  Women, for example, most commonly discover that they must strike a balance between researching, scheduling, and preparing for cancer treatment with career, family, and home.  Men, as caregivers, also discover that they must balance these priorities.  But in both instances the high wire seems tighter and the walk more precarious.

Here are some quick tips for striking a healthy balance:

Women
* Don't spend so much time going it alone with research and reading early on.  Ask others to help glean this information for you.
* Bring a family member along to the doctor appointments so that this person can take notes.  It will save you and your husband time, energy and anxiety.
* Use your calendar to pencil in valuable time with your children.
* Do the most time-consuming matters first in the day, freeing up time for more relaxed and personal pursuits later.
* Inform your employer about your situation and allow others at work to help with your scheduling and priorities.

Men
* Inform your employer about your situation, and clarify your vacation policy and personal time away from work for when you are needed most.
* When possible, work from home so you can be of assistance to your wife, especially in the days following surgery.
* Calendar time with your children.
* Schedule time for in-laws and friends to help you and relieve you of some stresses, possibly around cooking and transportation.
* Allow enough personal time to keep yourself strong, fit and able.  If you are tired or perpetually wasted from work, you will not be of any help to your wife.

Keep these tips in mind if you are beginning the balancing act.  And allow yourself as much flexibility as possible.

~Todd Outcalt
 

The Day Before

In the breast cancer journey there is always a "day before."  There is the day before surgery (lumpectomy or mastectomy).  There may also be a day before the first chemo treatment or the day before the first radiation therapy.  Men can be of great help to their wives on these "before-mentioned" times.

For example, the day before surgery a guy can make certain that his wife has plenty of rest, that she proceeds with all of her prep work, that she doesn't eat past the prescribed fasting timeline.  He can also guard her time by not allowing unexpected guests to consume energies or to take her off task.  He can also take care of the overnight packing (including his own change of clothing for--and he should--the stay in the hospital).

The day before, he can also make any necessary arrangements with insurance (pre-registration, for example) and make certain he knows where to park at the hospital and where his wife will check-in.  Likewise, it never hurts to leave information with relatives . . . and if there are younger children in the home, make those final plans with babysitters or grandparents.

Finally, one important ingredient is this: carve out an hour or so for you and your wife to have some special time together.  This will be very comforting to her and this time will also energize her and help her to focus her energies on the surgery.  Many couples may also want to pray together, and this day before can also be a special time to enjoy a favorite past-time.

Don't let this day before slip away without making those necessary preparations.  This time is never wasted.
~Todd Outcalt