When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, our daughter and son were twelve and eight, respectively. They were old enough to understand cancer and the implications. They were also old enough to help.
Although our conversations about mom's breast cancer, the surgery and the recovery, were not a daily topic, there were times when the kids asked questions. They asked emotional questions about their mom's health and well-being, about her pain, and wanted to know the final outcome. They also asked about ways to help.
In the course of these many conversations, they also expressed the need for stability and assurance. Although I didn't have all the answers they were seeking, the most important point I could give them was my attention and the assurance that all would be well and they could, with one or two exceptions due to schedule or conflict, press forward in school and their activities. It was also important for me to keep an undercurrent of stability through all of the cancer conversations and surgically-related appointments.
After the surgery, there was some curiosity about their mother's scar and what it would look like--and concerns for her comfort. Asking, seeing, perhaps even touching were important aspects of their love for mom . . . and as the days went on this curiosity was lessened by the realization that mom was well. It wasn't long before the surgery faded into the background of our lives again.
Still, I know it is important to have these conversations with children. Talk, of course, is always slanted for the age . . . but honesty and facts are important regardless. Conversations demonstrate care--and it is important for children to ask questions, listen for answers, and be offered ways that they can help in the care giving.
These conversations aren't always that difficult. Most of them will be, in fact, quite simple. Kids have remarkable resiliency and adaptive qualities. They will be important in the healing journey.
Just don't put the children off. Include them. Let them be the sources of strength their mother will need. She will heal all the faster if they are nearby and can demonstrate their care.
Child's play really can heal.
~Todd Outcalt
Although our conversations about mom's breast cancer, the surgery and the recovery, were not a daily topic, there were times when the kids asked questions. They asked emotional questions about their mom's health and well-being, about her pain, and wanted to know the final outcome. They also asked about ways to help.
In the course of these many conversations, they also expressed the need for stability and assurance. Although I didn't have all the answers they were seeking, the most important point I could give them was my attention and the assurance that all would be well and they could, with one or two exceptions due to schedule or conflict, press forward in school and their activities. It was also important for me to keep an undercurrent of stability through all of the cancer conversations and surgically-related appointments.
After the surgery, there was some curiosity about their mother's scar and what it would look like--and concerns for her comfort. Asking, seeing, perhaps even touching were important aspects of their love for mom . . . and as the days went on this curiosity was lessened by the realization that mom was well. It wasn't long before the surgery faded into the background of our lives again.
Still, I know it is important to have these conversations with children. Talk, of course, is always slanted for the age . . . but honesty and facts are important regardless. Conversations demonstrate care--and it is important for children to ask questions, listen for answers, and be offered ways that they can help in the care giving.
These conversations aren't always that difficult. Most of them will be, in fact, quite simple. Kids have remarkable resiliency and adaptive qualities. They will be important in the healing journey.
Just don't put the children off. Include them. Let them be the sources of strength their mother will need. She will heal all the faster if they are nearby and can demonstrate their care.
Child's play really can heal.
~Todd Outcalt
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