Young'n

My wife was young when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  But so was I.  And what I learned through this journey as a caregiver was a remarkable mixture of self-discovery and provider.

We can never forget that breast cancer is no respecter of persons.  Young or old . . . cancer doesn't care. 

Younger women, however, may have needs that differ from those needs of older women.  For example, a caregiver may discover that younger women have to balance more demands:  children, home, career. Whereas, with older women, some of these may already be off the plate.

Be aware, also, that younger women may need more reassurance, especially early on.  The fears may be greater, or more pronounced.

There's also the greater possibility that men may feel that they cannot give up enough time at work to deal with the demands at home or in the doctor's office.  Younger families may need to juggle more demands, and this can be difficult.

Finally, don't forget to bring out the friendships.  These friends can be a great source of strength, not only for her . . . but for you.  Keep yourself fit and strong.  You'll need all of that strength when it comes to being there for your wife. 

And don't forget to remind your wife daily that the best is yet to come.  No dour thoughts.  And keep a positive outlook.
~Todd Outcalt

Support Groups

I have spoken to a fair number of cancer support groups through the years, and one thing I've learned:  a support group can be very beneficial, not just for the person who is making the cancer journey, but for the family as well.  Support groups offer far more than information and conversation, too.  They can often be a source of strength and, more importantly, hope.

And here's another plus:  support groups often have featured speakers, such as oncology nurses and surgeons, who can relate some personal stories and walk the group through the basics of surgery and treatment.  These more personal relationships pay large dividends, and as everyone is more relaxed, the time for conversation and questions is most helpful.

Check at your local hospital or clinic and you are very likely to discover that there is a cancer support group meeting in your area.   You won't have to go far to find a group of like-minded and likeable people who are also making some leg of the cancer journey.  You can learn from these other experiences. 

You may even discover new friends who will become best friends . . . friendships that will last far beyond the years of cancer treatment.  That's another plus.

And when it comes to the journey itself, everyone can use all the pluses they can get.

The Art of Listening

Read any books about the differences between men and women (think Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus) and you are likely to discover that the sexes typically communicate in different ways.  Women, for example, are more inclined to process information through verbal exchange. They talk with friends.  They speak more openly about their feelings. 

Men, on the other hand, are problem-solvers.  Men are far more likely to offer solutions when a woman discusses a problem.  Men like to offer ideas.  But women, typically, don't want answers so much as they want a listening and sympathetic ear.

When a woman wants to talk about breast cancer, men can be most helpful by listening.  We don't have to jump to conclusions, try to solve the problem, or make a decision.  We need to listen.

The art of listening can often press us, however.  Listening is much more than simply hearing what is being said.  Listening is also affirming, sitting in silence, or providing good eye contact.  If a woman knows that she is being heard, this is most important.

The art of listening is also the art of empathy.  We may not be able to sit in the same place, but we can affirm that we understand the feelings and that we are supportive of a choice.  If there is indecision and anxiety to process, it is important that we affirm these realities, too.

The art of listening is being there.  Men may not be hard-wired in the same ways as women, but we can be a strong presence.  We can be good listeners.