Young'n

My wife was young when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  But so was I.  And what I learned through this journey as a caregiver was a remarkable mixture of self-discovery and provider.

We can never forget that breast cancer is no respecter of persons.  Young or old . . . cancer doesn't care. 

Younger women, however, may have needs that differ from those needs of older women.  For example, a caregiver may discover that younger women have to balance more demands:  children, home, career. Whereas, with older women, some of these may already be off the plate.

Be aware, also, that younger women may need more reassurance, especially early on.  The fears may be greater, or more pronounced.

There's also the greater possibility that men may feel that they cannot give up enough time at work to deal with the demands at home or in the doctor's office.  Younger families may need to juggle more demands, and this can be difficult.

Finally, don't forget to bring out the friendships.  These friends can be a great source of strength, not only for her . . . but for you.  Keep yourself fit and strong.  You'll need all of that strength when it comes to being there for your wife. 

And don't forget to remind your wife daily that the best is yet to come.  No dour thoughts.  And keep a positive outlook.
~Todd Outcalt

Support Groups

I have spoken to a fair number of cancer support groups through the years, and one thing I've learned:  a support group can be very beneficial, not just for the person who is making the cancer journey, but for the family as well.  Support groups offer far more than information and conversation, too.  They can often be a source of strength and, more importantly, hope.

And here's another plus:  support groups often have featured speakers, such as oncology nurses and surgeons, who can relate some personal stories and walk the group through the basics of surgery and treatment.  These more personal relationships pay large dividends, and as everyone is more relaxed, the time for conversation and questions is most helpful.

Check at your local hospital or clinic and you are very likely to discover that there is a cancer support group meeting in your area.   You won't have to go far to find a group of like-minded and likeable people who are also making some leg of the cancer journey.  You can learn from these other experiences. 

You may even discover new friends who will become best friends . . . friendships that will last far beyond the years of cancer treatment.  That's another plus.

And when it comes to the journey itself, everyone can use all the pluses they can get.

The Art of Listening

Read any books about the differences between men and women (think Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus) and you are likely to discover that the sexes typically communicate in different ways.  Women, for example, are more inclined to process information through verbal exchange. They talk with friends.  They speak more openly about their feelings. 

Men, on the other hand, are problem-solvers.  Men are far more likely to offer solutions when a woman discusses a problem.  Men like to offer ideas.  But women, typically, don't want answers so much as they want a listening and sympathetic ear.

When a woman wants to talk about breast cancer, men can be most helpful by listening.  We don't have to jump to conclusions, try to solve the problem, or make a decision.  We need to listen.

The art of listening can often press us, however.  Listening is much more than simply hearing what is being said.  Listening is also affirming, sitting in silence, or providing good eye contact.  If a woman knows that she is being heard, this is most important.

The art of listening is also the art of empathy.  We may not be able to sit in the same place, but we can affirm that we understand the feelings and that we are supportive of a choice.  If there is indecision and anxiety to process, it is important that we affirm these realities, too.

The art of listening is being there.  Men may not be hard-wired in the same ways as women, but we can be a strong presence.  We can be good listeners. 

Healing for the Holidays

Regardless of when a woman begins her breast cancer treatment, her recovery is bound to intersect with some holiday:  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter, Passover, the Fourth of July.  These days could be a source of additional stress . . . or they could be a source of healing.

The latter is preferred!

Keep the positive energy during these holidays by creating in the following ways:

Party for Your Wife
     Allow friends and family members to play host to the season and keep work to a minimum.  Don't travel long distances.  Allow your wife to relax through the season and concentrate on receiving rather than giving.

Live in the Sun
     As often as possible (and per doctor's instructions or advice) bask in sunlight.  Sun will boost endorphins, vitamin E, and other healing properties, not to mention combating depression.  Even if your wife can't take direct sun, don't go through the holidays behind closed doors with the shades drawn.  Long periods of solitude do not heal.  Bask in the presence of love.

Enjoy Good Food
     Nutrition is important, and eating well is a key component of the healing process.  Check with your doctor, and create a holiday diet that will boost your wife's energy.

Most of all . . . enjoy the holidays and don't let cancer be the center of attention. 

Time Out

A breast cancer diagnosis always creates calendaring challenges. Time becomes one of the primary stress points for couples.  There are decisions to be made, but waiting is not always an option.  And once the cogs begin to turn in the surgery and treatment mill, a day can go by very quickly with seemingly little to show for it.

There are ways, however, that men can help to make time a friend instead of an enemy.

For example, men can help to coordinate the calendar (and the calendaring).  Appointments can be recorded, reminders posted, and childcare can be arranged.  Men can also help in this arena by making sure that she carves out time for herself.

She will also appreciate a man who can save time by making those arduous phone calls to the insurance company, cooking a few dinners, and packing overnight bags.  Likewise, making coffee in the morning or creating special times throughout the day can be very meaningful.

Finally, men can try to use their vacation and sick leave at strategic times. This type of attention will actually create special moments instead of stressful situations.

So . . . make time a friend.  Take time out of the stressful mix.

The Three "R"s

Men who are supporting their wives, sisters, mothers, or girlfriends through the breast cancer journey would do well to remember these three "R"s.  These are the basic building-blocks of support.

Remind
     When a woman first receives a diagnosis for breast cancer, her most immediate question is:  "Will I die?"  A man can't go wrong by reminding a woman that breast cancer is highly treatable and, in most cases, curable.  Breast cancer treatments continue to broaden, and the percentage of breast cancer survivors among women continues to rise.
     No, a breast cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence.  It is a journey that will require strength, resiliency, support, and hope . . . along with treatment.  But men can remember to remind . . . and then rewind, and remind again.  Keep hope high.

Research
     One of the best ways for a man to help through the initial phase of the diagnosis is to assist in research.  Most women will want to read as much as they can about breast cancer or, in these days, search the internet.  But women can also grow weary in this endeavor.  The information can be so great, and come so fast, that a weariness can set in.
     Men can help by assisting in the research, by gleaning the best information, by making phone calls and helping to refine the search.  Many men, in fact, soon believe that they are breast cancer experts.  So don't neglect to help with research.  This work not only helps in the initial phase, but also allows a woman additional rest and reflection. 

Rest
     And speaking of rest . . . a man should make sure he and his wife get plenty of it.  A man can be his wife's best friend by making sure she's getting proper sleep and recuperation.  She will, in fact, need this strength for the recovery phase (following surgery) and/or during the subsequent radiation/chemotherapy (if needed).  Rest is vital.
     Tired women (and men) don't do as well in the recovery phase.  And without proper rest, we suffer emotionally and relationally, too.  Frayed nerves can be just as debilitating as a radiation treatment.
     Rest.  Relax.  Recuperate.  Stay strong in the fray.

~Todd Outcalt

 

Child's Play

When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, our daughter and son were twelve and eight, respectively.  They were old enough to understand cancer and the implications.  They were also old enough to help.

Although our conversations about mom's breast cancer, the surgery and the recovery, were not a daily topic, there were times when the kids asked questions.  They asked emotional questions about their mom's health and well-being, about her pain, and wanted to know the final outcome.  They also asked about ways to help.

In the course of these many conversations, they also expressed the need for stability and assurance.  Although I didn't have all the answers they were seeking, the most important point I could give them was my attention and the assurance that all would be well and they could, with one or two exceptions due to schedule or conflict, press forward in school and their activities. It was also important for me to keep an undercurrent of stability through all of the cancer conversations and surgically-related appointments.

After the surgery, there was some curiosity about their mother's scar and what it would look like--and concerns for her comfort.  Asking, seeing, perhaps even touching were important aspects of their love for mom . . . and as the days went on this curiosity was lessened by the realization that mom was well.  It wasn't long before the surgery faded into the background of our lives again.

Still, I know it is important to have these conversations with children.  Talk, of course, is always slanted for the age . . . but honesty and facts are important regardless.  Conversations demonstrate care--and it is important for children to ask questions, listen for answers, and be offered ways that they can help in the care giving. 

These conversations aren't always that difficult.  Most of them will be, in fact, quite simple.  Kids have remarkable resiliency and adaptive qualities.  They will be important in the healing journey.

Just don't put the children off.  Include them.  Let them be the sources of strength their mother will need.  She will heal all the faster if they are nearby and can demonstrate their care.

Child's play really can heal.

~Todd Outcalt 

Balancing Acts

A breast cancer diagnosis is always accompanied by a series of balancing acts.  Women, for example, most commonly discover that they must strike a balance between researching, scheduling, and preparing for cancer treatment with career, family, and home.  Men, as caregivers, also discover that they must balance these priorities.  But in both instances the high wire seems tighter and the walk more precarious.

Here are some quick tips for striking a healthy balance:

Women
* Don't spend so much time going it alone with research and reading early on.  Ask others to help glean this information for you.
* Bring a family member along to the doctor appointments so that this person can take notes.  It will save you and your husband time, energy and anxiety.
* Use your calendar to pencil in valuable time with your children.
* Do the most time-consuming matters first in the day, freeing up time for more relaxed and personal pursuits later.
* Inform your employer about your situation and allow others at work to help with your scheduling and priorities.

Men
* Inform your employer about your situation, and clarify your vacation policy and personal time away from work for when you are needed most.
* When possible, work from home so you can be of assistance to your wife, especially in the days following surgery.
* Calendar time with your children.
* Schedule time for in-laws and friends to help you and relieve you of some stresses, possibly around cooking and transportation.
* Allow enough personal time to keep yourself strong, fit and able.  If you are tired or perpetually wasted from work, you will not be of any help to your wife.

Keep these tips in mind if you are beginning the balancing act.  And allow yourself as much flexibility as possible.

~Todd Outcalt
 

The Day Before

In the breast cancer journey there is always a "day before."  There is the day before surgery (lumpectomy or mastectomy).  There may also be a day before the first chemo treatment or the day before the first radiation therapy.  Men can be of great help to their wives on these "before-mentioned" times.

For example, the day before surgery a guy can make certain that his wife has plenty of rest, that she proceeds with all of her prep work, that she doesn't eat past the prescribed fasting timeline.  He can also guard her time by not allowing unexpected guests to consume energies or to take her off task.  He can also take care of the overnight packing (including his own change of clothing for--and he should--the stay in the hospital).

The day before, he can also make any necessary arrangements with insurance (pre-registration, for example) and make certain he knows where to park at the hospital and where his wife will check-in.  Likewise, it never hurts to leave information with relatives . . . and if there are younger children in the home, make those final plans with babysitters or grandparents.

Finally, one important ingredient is this: carve out an hour or so for you and your wife to have some special time together.  This will be very comforting to her and this time will also energize her and help her to focus her energies on the surgery.  Many couples may also want to pray together, and this day before can also be a special time to enjoy a favorite past-time.

Don't let this day before slip away without making those necessary preparations.  This time is never wasted.
~Todd Outcalt  

Food for Thought

As his wife nears a surgery date (or even the beginning of chemo or radiation) a husband can help prepare by stocking up on certain favorite foods--both for himself and his wife.  Some of these can be prepared (such as snack foods) in small ziplock bags.  Dried fruits and certain vegetables carry easily, as do chocolates, granola bars and nuts.

Be certain to ask your wife about these favorites, but don't overlook the possibilities that her tastes may change--especially during treatments or immediately after surgery.  The food isn't there to be forced, but as a favorite treat that she may be able to stomach.  And you can always ask your surgeon about some of these options, too.

At home, be certain that you have plenty of comfort foods (or easily digested foods) such as puddings, gelatins, and yogurt.

And don't forget . . . if your wife is the primary cook, you may have to fend for yourself for a time.  Prepare for these days ahead without any expectation, but do prepare ahead by stocking up on foods that can be heated or microwaved.  Think ahead and you'll be prepared for the duration and can meet your own needs.

As another option, consider some of those nearby restaurants that might have comfort foods that your wife and you both enjoy.  There's nothing wrong with making a dash to bring back some food. 

The key here is thinking ahead, making the plans, and being prepared.

First Person

There is something powerful about writing in the "first person."  A personal experience always teaches us more than receiving news, tips, or ideas second-hand. 

Although cancer is not one of those experiences anyone wants to experience first hand, most women who receive a breast cancer diagnosis will eventually want to talk to other women who have made the journey.  These first person experiences and tips will have a more profound effect upon their healing, and be more inspiring, too.

As I was writing Husband's Guide to Breast Cancer I not only employed my own first person experiences into the mix, but also interviewed dozens of other men. They each had a personal story to tell, and these first-person accounts are, I believe, one of the most compelling features of the book.

In fact, I interviewed far more men than I could use in the book.  So in case you are wondering what other men experience in this support-role, take a tip from this first person account:

Originally, when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, I tried to keep it a secret.  I don't know, I wasn't embarrassed or ashamed, but there was something about this that seemed so personal, and maybe I was wanting to guard my wife's privacy.  But I was with some friends one night watching a football game on TV and suddenly I found myself announcing that _______ (my wife) had breast cancer.  We spent the next fifteen minutes talking about this, and I really felt supported by my friends.  One of the guys told me his wife was a breast cancer survivor.  I never knew this.  It was all rather humbling.  But I learned that it's important to talk about these things.  Otherwise, we just feel alone in it.  My wife knew this, but it took me some time to learn the lesson.
~Ron 

Breast Cancer Seasons

November 1, with the publication of Husband's Guide to Breast Cancer (Blue River Press), my wife and I have many milestones to celebrate 12-years post cancer.  Next summer we will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary, and earlier this year my wife was released from a decade long breast cancer study with a glowing report.  We are also making plans for a trip to Europe, a hiking excursion in the western U.S., and looking ahead to hosting a giant family reunion this Thanksgiving.

The point here is that many couples, when a breast cancer diagnosis enters into the marriage, have a tendency to believe that the best years are behind them.  Not true.  In most instances, the best is yet to come.

Sure, there are many plans, even great dreams, that have to be laid aside for a season.  But in the larger picture of life this breast cancer season is short-lived.  So don't give up on the dream.  And you might want to begin making plans even while your wife is making the journey through her breast cancer recovery.

In fact, if you are reading this blog to find some inspiration and hope, make it a point to sit down with your wife and draw out some "post-cancer" plans.  Set a goal or two.  Don't wait until you feel "up to it".  Move forward with resiliency and purpose.  And better yet, your wife is going to feel inspired by your desire for a long-range plan, especially if it involves time together:  travel, leisure, family.

Think of the breast cancer diagnosis as your winter, the treatment as your spring.  Summer is not far behind. 

Looking back now, our breast cancer winter is a distant memory.  We've experienced a great many summers since.  And you can, too!

Make those plans.